100 Signs You Are A Swinger
You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
Half of the numbers on your cell phone are listed only by screen names.
You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
Your annual vacations are always to Jamaica.
You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names.
You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can’t possibly sneak up on you.
You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
Before travelling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
You worry about explaining to the neighbours why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying overnight bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon…
You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the doors closed.
Your gynaecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
You have a stripper’s pole in the middle of your den.
You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
You’ve hugged your friend’s goodnight while naked.
You hear the word “Playmate”, and your first thought is not “Playboy.”
The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
You carry lube as often as lipstick.
Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavour to you anymore.
You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom… On your ceiling.
You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there are three feet of snow on the ground.
Your wedding reception has an after party.
You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s bare ass.
Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
A hot tub is considered a necessity, not a luxury.
You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame, And it was on purpose.
You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.
The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
You place a want ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
The staff of Hedonism sends you birthday cards/emails or Facebook shout outs.
You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.
The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
In the gym shower, you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
You’ve closed your e-mails with “Bi Bi”.
You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
On Christmas, certain presents can’t be opened in front of your family.
You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
At your “normal” parties no one can go into the basement because you’re afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”
You start having withdrawals after two days without Internet access.
When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”
In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!
You are hanging around vanilla friends, and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
You own a double-headed dildo.
You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
On vacation, you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.
Your husband has lipstick on his collar, and he smells like another woman’s perfume, and it brings a smile to your face.
On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
You get really tired of not making it to McDonald’s before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
Your spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you…
Then its probably a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!